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Two days before my divorce was finalized, I came across a childhood picture of myself. In it I wore a bright, innocent smile, and my eyes sparkled with hope. As I traced that smile with my finger, I remembered my little-girl dreams of a lavish wedding shared with a handsome groom, a house surrounded with a picket fence, and a minivan filled with children to nurture and love. A happily-ever-after.
Losing the DreamWhen that little girl in the picture grew up, she found her handsome groom and celebrated a wedding with all the trimmings. But our marriage was rocky from the start; my husband was unfaithful as well as verbally and physically abusive. As a believer who'd grown up in a strong Christian home layered with generations of enduring marriages, I simply didn't include divorce in my vocabulary. Instead, I worked hard to improve our troubled relationship, seeking both individual and marital counseling from church leaders and Christian counselors.
But after eight years of counseling, prayer, patience, and failed attempts at reconciliation, I realized I had biblical grounds to leave. So as an excruciating last resort, I separated from my husband and filed for divorce.
I wasn't prepared for how surreal divorce felt. While my life crumbled to pieces, the outside world continued unchanged. I taught students in my English classes about misplaced modifiers and comma splices. I chatted with coworkers about the weather and world events.
Memories—of my husband's hearty chuckle, his silly nickname for the dog, our week spent painting the house together—caught me unexpectedly as I drove to work, forcing me to fight back tears before my first class. Even a bad marriage has its good times.
A Comforting PresenceSo much died with the end of my marriage—my relationship, my future dreams, even my hope for children—yet I didn't have the closure of a funeral. No condolences, flowers, or eulogies comforted me.
I felt scared and alone, aching for a sign of God's presence. Then I remembered God doesn't promise freedom from trials and heartaches. But he does promise to be with us through them: "When [not if] you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" (Isaiah 43:2).
In addition to God's comfort, my family became my shelter in those cruel months of the divorce, supporting me with prayer, encouragement, and loving hugs. Still, I felt a new awkwardness with them. Only weeks after I signed the divorce papers, I attended my cousin's wedding ceremony where I sat on a long pew with my relatives, all married. As I watched the bride and groom exchange marriage vows, I remembered my own wedding day. The memory stung.
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