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My husband's brother and his wife seem intent on asserting their superiority at every turn. They berate us for having so many kids, putting them in private school, and for the fact that I'm a stay-at-home mom. I get physically ill when another family gathering appears on the calendar. Help!
I commend you for hanging in there in what is obviously a painful predicament. You already know it's not going to get you anywhere to blow up at your brother-in-law and his wife. But since you're feeling physically ill before family gatherings, you're probably internalizing all your frustration. I don't need to tell you it isn't healthy to stuff these emotions.
So is there anything you can do? Absolutely. But first I want to ask a question: Is this confrontational style this couple's misguided way of connecting with you? Do you think they might see this competition as friendly and fun? Their motives, if amicable, may help you see what they're doing in a new light. If, instead, you determine their comments are driven by insecurity or jealousy, then the situation requires a courageous tactic.
Disarm their competitive comments by simply agreeing with them. I can almost feel you cringe as you read this. But let's face it; you're never going to get them to admit to feeling inadequate or jealous around you. The game they're playing instantly loses its fun when you compliment them on their choices: "I admire the way you two stick with your convictions," for example. When you find a way to honestly agree with their commentary and express interest in what they do, they'll almost instantly quit their criticism.
This approach isn't for cowards. It requires you and your husband to muster up courage and rely on each other and God for your security. But you're almost certain to see instant results.
All In The FamilyMy 27-year-old brother continues to live at home and mooch off my parents. I worry they'll have to start dipping into their retirement savings to support him. I love them all, but I'm frustrated with my brother for being selfish, and my parents for not saying "no" more often. What can I do?
Ever since Cain and Abel, tension and conflict between siblings have been part of the human story. Tens of thousands of pages have been written and countless studies have been conducted on the subject.
Knowing you're not alone doesn't offer much comfort, but it does underscore the fact that my advice is based on a mountain of research. First, bring up the issue with your family when you're all together. Don't resort to behind-the-scenes politicking to win them over individually—the risk of this backfiring is too high. Instead, prepare yourself to have an upbeat attitude when you discuss it. With a playful spirit, say something like, "When you guys spend your retirement funds on your son, I hope you know you'll be leaning on him for help, not me."
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