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"Jessica's mean sometimes."
The words from my daughter, Amanda, were casual, thrown over her shoulder as she got a snack and went to watch television. But I felt my motherly hackles rising. "What do you mean, dear?" I said.
"Well, today she told me to shut up. She said I talk too much."
Now the she-bear was in full rage. "That's terrible!" I exclaimed. "You don't talk too much. That must have felt awful. Here, honey, let me give you a hug. Now if that happens again, you should … "
"Mom. It's okay." Amanda hardly paid attention as she grabbed the remote and surfed through the channels.
"But … " I wanted to continue the discussion, but something inside me warned, Back off. This is not your struggle.
There are times when Amanda has procrastinated on doing her homework, pleading lack of understanding. I've sat with her and carefully explained a concept—say, fractions—I know she's learned at school. The assignment gets done and eventually she gets to bed. She won't get into trouble, but there's a part of me that wonders, Should I let Amanda get into trouble? Allow her to accept the consequences of her inattention?
Am I an overinvolved mom?
Almost from the time our children learn to walk, mothering is a delicate balancing act. We want to give them freedom to explore—but we put covers on the electrical outlets and locks on the medicine cabinets. We want them to learn to cope with failure, but we also do everything in our power to help them succeed. We want them to try their wings in the world, but oh, what a dangerous world it is!
I'm not sure my mother wrestled with these questions when I was a kid growing up in the '50s and '60s. She fed us hot dogs without guilt; I read articles that say it's never too soon to start worrying about your child's cholesterol count. Mom said, "Never talk to strangers"; my daughter now takes a state-mandated course in drug and gang awareness. My mother's chief worry about television viewing was whether we sat too close to the screen. Now … you get the picture.
We encourage our children to strive for achievement. We try to shield them from the dangers of the outside world. We're concerned for their emotional well-being. What's wrong with that? As my friend Barb passionately says, "It's our God-given responsibility to care for and guide our children." As Proverbs says, "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck" (1:8-9).
But are there times when the best thing we can do for our children is back off? Dr. Grace Ketterman, a Christian pediatrician and psychiatrist, states that "your most important task as a mother is to enable your child to gradually become independent." But how?
Christian moms are sharply divided on this question. Take Lynn, whose kids are middle-school age: "It's my obligation to direct my children's path. Adolescence isn't necessarily the time to let them choose their own path. Teenagers are still children. I've heard the arguments about letting our kids learn consequences, but I've also seen that carried to ridiculous lengths. It's a parent's responsibility to guide her children and help them learn to submit to authority."
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