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We were playing one of those ice-breaker games, trying to guess each other's identity from answers we'd scribbled on a get-acquainted questionnaire. "This person's idea of a super Saturday is to browse through flea markets," teased the leader of our singles class. I perked up—another yard-sale junkie?—and prepared to propose a shopping spree as soon as her name was revealed. I was new to the church, eager to make friends, and willing to take the initiative. But I never issued my invitation because she turned out to be a he, and that changed everything. I worried that he'd confuse my friendly gesture with a romantic overture, feel obligated to pick up the tab for lunch, or feel pressured to suggest a follow-up date. Our difference in gender, unknown and unimportant a moment ago, suddenly overshadowed our similarity of interest.
Face it: Most of us were never taught how to be friends with the opposite sex. Growing up, we got lots of advice about what to do—and not do—with boyfriends. But what about friends who were boys? We were raised to assume that guys and girls who were emotionally attached were also romantically linked. A mixed friendship was one step away from romance, and that step could go in a couple directions. A friendship might be a warm up to a romance or a cool down from a crush. Friendship for mere friendship's sake was rare.
Until now.
"Dating is less the norm than it used to be," explains Leslie Parrott, who directs the Center for Relationship Development with her husband, Les, at Seattle Pacific University. "Friendships are the way young people build community on campuses." Short-term relationships—Parrott calls them "ad hoc friendships"—are another trend. A man and woman may become good friends for the duration of a Bible study series, aerobics course, or scuba lessons. Then, after the group disbands, the friendship ends. The couple splits and each moves on to pursue new interests and make new friends. Although their relationship wasn't destined to last a lifetime or evolve into a romance, they're generally better off for having had it.
"We'd miss a lot if we didn't have cross-gender friendships," says Jim Furrow, professor of marriage and family at Fuller Seminary in California. "These friendships can help us understand God more completely because we see the complementary nature of the way we were created as his children and the way we bear out his image as men and women."
These benefits don't end when we marry. "Some people believe that avoiding opposite-sex friendships is the best line of defense against any kind of moral transgression," says Furrow. "The problem with that strategy is that it's impossible to maintain. We do interact with the opposite sex at work, at church, in school, and in our neighborhoods. Cross-gender friendships are inevitable."
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