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"Have a good time! Don't stay out too late!"
My husband, Fritz, waves good-bye as my friend Barb and I head off to the women's meeting at church. We're set for a night of deep sharing and baked goods, while Fritz's big night will revolve around dragging out the garbage and making sure our daughter, Amanda, gets her homework done.
This scenario—and variations of it—repeats itself over and over at our house. If the phone rings for me, it's likely to be a friend. If it's for him, it's probably somebody offering to clean our air ducts. I go on the women's retreat; he ferries Amanda to soccer and goes to Ace Hardware for 3-in-1 Oil. I open my soul to a confidante; he jokes around with our friend Tom the Handyman when Tom comes to fix something at our house.
Sometimes I wish Fritz had more friends, guys he could call up and say, "Hey, wanna go to the high-school baseball game tomorrow?" While I don't share his passion for sitting in bleachers watching teenage boys play ball, I don't expect him to share all my interests, either, such as going to see movies like Sense and Sensibility or visiting the big flower show downtown. The difference is, I have friends who are willing to share these things with me.
I don't mean to imply my spouse is socially comatose. He enjoys it when we have other couples over. And he has an admirable gift for making small talk with the hardworking small businessmen he sees in the course of his workday. But when I hear about men who have prayer partners, men who go to "accountability breakfasts" and open up to other men, I wish my husband would reach out this way. Why? I guess it's because I long for the best for my spouse, and like most women, that "best" includes the gift of friends who help us grow spiritually, who laugh with us and challenge us.
Should I leave poor Fritz in peace—with the remote? Or can I tactfully encourage him toward friendships with other guys? Here are some thoughts on the right and wrong way I can help my spouse connect with other men.
Fritz may not be as lonely as I think, so I need to check my assumptions. "It's taken me a long time to realize my husband's relational needs are different than mine," says Kathy, who's been married twenty-five years. "While friendship's a big priority for me, it isn't for him. I have to be careful not to project my own needs onto my husband."
Most women tend to be more relationally oriented than most men; we communicate our feelings more easily and openly. Yet according to Christian counselor Dr. Louis McBurney, men "can be fearful of intimacy. They relate better around a shared task or recreation." What may look superficial to me—Fritz joshing with Tom as Tom works on our house—may well help meet my husband's needs for male companionship.
I also tend to assume that what I want—an active social life with many friends—is what Fritz wants. But I work alone at home, while Fritz works with scores of people. His "people needs" are taken care of at his workplace, while mine aren't.
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