Home > Marriage > The Early Years
Marriage Partnership, Summer 1998
Giving Up on Equality
… and finding something better
by Les and Leslie Parrott
The
headline of a recent Seattle Times article caught my (Leslie's) attention.
It asked a seemingly innocent question regarding married couples: "Are we
peers yet?"
Searching for clues about my own marriage, I decided to take the ten-question
"test" that promised to tell me whether my own marriage was a peer marriage
(between equals), a near-peer marriage (where equality is admired but still
out of reach), or a traditional marriage (where a hierarchy establishes the
husband at the top). The test consisted of questions about who initiates
sex, who controls the money, whose career is given pre-eminence, and the
role each partner takes as a parent.
Sociologists agree there are many ways to make a marriage work, but marriages
between equals or peers are thought to be more satisfying to both partners.
However, according to sociologist Pepper Schwartz, author of Love Between
Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works (Free Press), only 10 to 15 percent
of all American couples have a peer marriage.
The idea of being a peer with my husband has always been important to me.
When Les decided to pursue a doctorate, we decided that I would also pursue
a doctorate, in large part, to protect the peer quality of our relationship.
In our 13-year marriage we have co-authored books, co-taught courses at the
university where we both work, and generally approached our lives as a team.
But the questions on this test made me doubt my equal footing.
How could I be certain I had an equal say in how we spend our money? In a
crisis, would my voice really carry the same weight as Les's? The
test revealed that my marriage was more a near-peer relationship than one
between peers. But it was the questions—more than the results of the test—that
got me thinking.
Later that day, as Les and I opened our mail while eating peanut butter
sandwiches at our kitchen table, I unrolled a mental tape measure on our
relationship. Determined to somehow quantify and compare the power each of
us had in our marriage, my attitude resembled that of the finicky building
inspector who needed to sign off before our home loan could be approved.
I wanted to uncover any faulty wiring or unstable relational structures that
could threaten our peer rapport.
Before I had finished the second half of my sandwich, however, I realized
my inspection was misguided. There is no such thing as perfect equality.
Even the best of peers are never identical—we wouldn't want to lose our
individuality or minimize the different gifts each of us has. The strongest
peer relationships are complementary, with each person exercising his or
her abilities where they are needed most.
I realized that determining who in our marriage was initiating or controlling
this or that didn't really matter. The true measure of a peer marriage is
not so much who has the power; it's a commitment to mutual respect and dedication
to the partnership you share. Whether you are in a peer, near-peer or more
traditional marriage isn't really the point. What matters is becoming peers
of the heart—listening to each other, seeking consensus in major decisions,
being equally dedicated to one another's well-being.
That's the type of equality I want, no matter what label it comes with.
Leslie Parrott, Ed.D., and Les Parrott III, Ph.D., are co-directors of
the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and
the authors of more than ten books, including Saving Your Marriage Before
it Starts and Like a Kiss on the Lips (both published by
Zondervan).
Copyright © 1998 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail
mp@marriagepartnership.com.
Summer 1998, Vol. 15, No. 2, Page 61
Marriage Partnership
Home | Archives | Contact Us
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Try an Issue of Today's Christian Woman Free!
|
 |
|
No credit card required. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Offer valid in U.S. only. Click here for International orders.
If you decide you want to keep Today's Christian Woman coming, honor your invoice for just $17.95 and receive five more issues, a full year in all. If not, simply write "cancel" across the invoice and return it. The trial issue is yours to keep, regardless.
Give Today's Christian Woman as a gift
Buy 1 gift subscription, get 1 FREE!
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
| 
