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When grief hits men, because of the overwhelming power and scope of such an experience, there isn't a mental space big enough to contain the loss. We men would like to go into that space, take care of it, and then emerge in good enough shape to handle the rest of our life and its challenges and responsibilities. But we're brought to the uneasy realization that grief just won't work that way. It seeps into every area of our life. This makes us uncomfortable, disoriented, and fearful.

Why is he keeping everything bottled up inside? Why isn't he talking to me about his feelings? Is he feeling anything at all?

He's processing it. He likely hasn't been here before, and there's no instruction manual. He's gauging its impact on him, you, and your family. He's revisiting what he believes about God in light of the crushing blow of loss. He's testing out his feelings internally because he has a healthy fear of their power should he unleash them on those around him. And of course, as a man, he's simply not as practiced and experienced in sorting out and articulating his emotions. In fact, he probably doesn't see the practical benefit in doing so. He wants the pain to go away, not to keep coaxing it to the surface. He's also trying to figure out what in the world he is supposed to be …

Doing. Why is he rushing back to work so soon? Why is he trimming the shrubs … now, of all times?

Typically, a man deals with a crisis by trying to figure out what to do. In death, we come face-to-face with the challenge we cannot solve, and it's unsettling. Many men can appear manic in their rush to get their hands busy, in order to regain their equilibrium. 

In earlier times when a death occurred, males would busy themselves with the pragmatic necessities of building a coffin, digging a grave, carrying out burial and funeral rituals. In our culture, that work is hired out to funeral directors and cemeteries, and men are left to stand awkwardly about in an uncomfortable suit, feeling lost, helpless, and useless. This helplessness can also lead to the flip-side of this same doing coin …

Inactivity. Why can't he get moving again? Why won't he reach out for help?

It's common for men dealing with loss to become immobilized, finding it nearly impossible to return to work, to carry on formerly meaningful relationships, even to get out of bed. When we believe it's our job to fix problems, and we're steamrolled by the problem for which we have no solution, in our despair we can be tempted to throw in the towel.

Anger. Why does he seem mad all the time?

Grief is an emotion closely related to desire. When the desires we've had for our loved ones, both for their well-being and happiness, are ripped from us, it makes us angry. Men are particularly wired to think of ourselves as defenders of our family. Most often, a disease or accident robs us of the opportunity for a fair fight. There may be nobody to be legitimately angry with, but still we're angry. It often works its way out on the most undeserving victims: our families, co-workers, the lawnmower that won't start. Whether it's a punching bag in the garage or evil aliens on the video game screen, benign targets for our grief-fueled anger are good to have around.

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