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It's funny—a wife will put great effort and planning into meal preparation, but we think sex should be spontaneous. It's as if you were to go into the kitchen blindfolded and start taking things off the shelf and say, "Okay, we're going to have a spontaneous meal." It doesn't work that way. You have to plan for it, set an attitude for it.

The same is true of sex, but we don't do it. We think that, without energy or planning, we can get into bed when we're the most tired and have wonderfully fulfilled sex. If we want wonderful sex, we have to plan for it—and then communicate to our spouse what we think is wonderful.

—Mary Ann Mayo, Fall 1990

We need to be careful we aren't always putting something else ahead of sex: Nightline, paying the bills, getting our child her third drink of water. It's too easy to think, Oh, well, there's always tomorrow. Sometimes we need to heed the feelings-follow-actions dictum and decide to have sex.

—Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse, Summer 1991

As a man ages he will require direct penile stiumation to get an erection, rather than responding to visual stimuli or thought stimulus. This may actually enhance lovemaking for the couple, because the man and the woman will become more similar in their arousal responses.

—Cliff and Joyce Penner, Fall 1992

Expressing positive messages during sex enhances the experience for both spouses. In contrast, criticism and sexual arousal just don't mix. When we're aroused, we are open and vulnerable. So avoid making negative comment about your husband's approach while the two of you are making love.

If there are times when you feel you must take "corrective action" during sex, state your desires positively. For example, instead of saying, "You're pressing too hard," try saying, "A lighter, whispery touch would feel wonderful."

—Cliff and Joyce Penner, Spring 1993

Consider the importance of nonverbal communication during your sexual times together. Once you've taught each other what is most effective and enjoyable for each of you, then you can incorporate that knowledge into your lovemaking by using nonverbal signals. You can lovingly move each other's hands to the place where your body hungers touch. You can move your own body to get the stimulation you desire. You can also decide to use prearranged signals to let each other know when some activity has become negative, or when some other touching would be more positive.

—Cliff and Joyce Penner, Spring 1993

The myth that simultaneous orgasm is the epitome of sexual fulfillment is based on a number of false assumptions. First, it assumes that two people get aroused and then respond at the same pace. That is highly unlikely. Second, it assumes that goal-oriented sex is more fulfilling than pleasure-oriented sex. On the contrary, goal-oriented sex can interfere with fulfillment by introducing demand, anxiety, and often a feeling of failure, all of which hinder the body's natural response mechanism.

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