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When it comes to arguing, my husband, Paul, and I have two different approaches: He wears his feelings on his sleeve; I hide mine up my sleeve. You know when Paul is angry or frustrated—it's out there for the world to see. I learned quickly that to confront him or challenge him when he's angry can be like throwing gasoline on a fire. Over the years he's learned that his outward show of emotion can make others uncomfortable, and he's worked hard at keeping a leash on it. Sometimes he succeeds; sometimes he doesn't.

On the other hand, I've made an art of hiding emotions.

"What's the matter, Kate?"

"Nothing."

"Something's bugging you—are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm fine."

Of course Paul became frustrated with that pattern. On rare occasions, the pressure inside blew my lid off, and I expressed my anger all right! I used every communication no-no there is: You always … you never … you're so … Then I felt like a communication failure and shut up again.

So Paul tiptoed around my hidden emotions (whatever they were) while trying to keep his from spilling all over the floor, while I was uptight about saying words that are profitable but not flammable in the heat of an argument. Trying to defuse stress had become stressful for both of us.

And then came e-mail. The first time we "argued" online, it went something like this:

Paul: Kate, about last night—I'm really sorry I reacted like I did. I guess I was really tired, and when you said we had a commitment on Friday night, it just put me over the top. I'd been thinking about how glad I'd be when the work week is over, and now we have to do something on Friday night. I wasn't really angry at you, but I took it out on you, and I'm sorry.

Kate: I realized that, but your strong response stunned me, and I did feel like you were blaming me. I don't appreciate when you take things out on me. I'm not your enemy. I'm your wife, and I love you. We can't always have things go the way we want, but we can make the best of them. Let's look at it as an opportunity to be together rather than a commitment we weren't planning on.

Paul: You're right. That's a good way to look at it. But let's try not to make it a late night. It's been a long week, and I'm really worn out. Can we hold Saturday night as a family night and home-base it?

Kate: I agree. Maybe we can just rent a couple dvds and kick back with the kids and chill.

That was much better! I could reread what I'd written and delete and reword the phrases that just didn't come out right. Our exchange of words was calm, rational, and productive. When we arrived home from work that day, we had big warm hugs and I'm-sorry kisses for each other.

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