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Just like many couples, Tom and Judith have three sets of friends—his, hers, and theirs. A few years ago, they had to face whether one of Tom's friends was also a friend of their marriage.

Tom and his friend Jack had taken a camping trip together every summer since they graduated from college. After the last trip, Judith was searching for her sunglasses when she discovered a beer can under the front seat of their car. Tom, whose father was an alcoholic and who had a one-time drinking problem himself, had promised Judith when they'd married seven years earlier that he would never drink again. She thought he'd kept his word until she discovered the can.

When Judith confronted Tom with her discovery, he first denied, then finally admitted, he'd been drinking with Jack. When Judith pressed, he confessed that it wasn't the first time he'd gone back on his promise—and every time it was when he was with Jack.

For Judith, this was a crisis. Before they married, she'd experienced Tom's verbal abuse when he drank too much. She had no intention of being the victim again, and was determined to protect any children they might have from such abuse. So when he proposed, she set down the condition: "I love you, but I can't marry you unless you promise me you'll never drink again. I won't let you talk to me like you did after that last party. And I'll never let you talk to our children that way or have them see you drunk."

"You can trust me," Tom had promised. "I'll never touch the stuff. I won't sacrifice our relationship for a few beers." But he did drink again. And more than once. He broke his promise. How could she now trust Tom to keep his word? How did she know he wasn't deceiving her in other matters? Did he value his friendship with Jack more than his marriage?

When Judith told him that her trust in him was shattered and that she didn't know if she could stay with him, Tom protested: "But I never verbally abuse you or the kids. And you've never seen me drunk." "No," Judith retorted angrily, "but I have noticed how withdrawn you seem when you come back from your outings with Jack. Now I know why. You feel guilty because you've broken your promise."

Nothing Tom said could alleviate Judith's distress. More promises were not enough; he had to do something to heal his marriage and restore Judith's trust in him. This was when he came to the difficult decision that Jack was no friend to his marriage. Jack knew of Tom's tendency to drink excessively and of Tom's promise to Judith. But when the two of them were alone, he badgered Tom to drink with him.

So Tom told Jack that if they were to remain friends they had to have new ground rules: Jack would no longer urge Tom to drink with him, and they would no longer go places together without their wives. Jack was angry and broke off contact with Tom. Tom lost a close friend. But he saved his marriage.

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