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Q. I climax faster than my wife. In order to balance the problem, I try to stop or pause our intercourse when I get close. But that affects her and she's unable to climax. What do we do?

A. Great news for couples who struggle with a fast ejaculatory response: your problem is not "abnormal." The male sexual response curve from arousal to climax is usually much faster than the female's.

Recognize ways your wife's arousal can be enhanced by identifying her early "pre"-foreplay factors. She needs time to shift gears from her busy life concerns. This can include focused conversation. Most women desperately want time with a husband who is totally tuned in to them and not the TV or newspaper or computer. She wants eye contact and some verbal response that tells her he actually heard what she said! The subject isn't as important as her feeling listened to.

Help with the household demands, show genuine interest in her personhood (not just her body), and express your love in the distinct ways she'll feel it most. Then when she's more receptive, some non-genital touch can make her more aroused. Spending some time in "pleasuring" or "sensate focusing" can help you identify the most effective triggers for her arousal. For instance, lying together with the sole agenda of mutual discovery can allow each of you to learn what body areas are most sensitive and what sort of stimulation is most pleasurable (such as firm caresses of thigh or light stroking of breasts or genitals, kissing of face and neck, or oral sucking of nipples). This allows you to bring each to higher levels of arousal as you understand your individual preferences and timing.

Another approach is to increase your response time through the squeeze technique. The technique is to stimulate his penis to the point of climaxing. Just before he knows he'll reach orgasm, his wife squeezes the penis at the base of the corona (the rim of the head of the penis). She holds the pressure firmly for several seconds until his sense of urgency fades. That process is repeated several times before penetration and ejaculation. With time this conditions his physiologic reflex to take longer.

The combination of increasing your wife's arousal and your response time can help close the gap and enhance your enjoyment. It's important to know, however, that simultaneous orgasm is not the rule for most couples.

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