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Q. Sex is painful for me. My husband's penis is too large for my comfort. What can we do?

A. Since a woman's vagina is miraculously engineered to expand enough for a baby's birth, it seems logical to assume that sex should be possible with little discomfort. At times, however, there's enough difference in the size of the husband's erect penis and his wife's vaginal entrance (introitus) to create pain. When this occurs, the first step is to have a physical evaluation. A gynecologist can tell if the introitus is tight and needs gradual stretching maneuvers to relieve the pain on penetration.

If there's no physical problem, there is still hope. The most common cause of pain when a husband enters his wife is her reflexive tightening of the vaginal entrance. Some of the reasons include childhood abuse or trauma, anxiety about sexual intercourse, vaginal dryness or infection, or response to previous pain. All of these can be treated effectively. At times the treatment may be as simple as using a vaginal lubricant or antibiotic. At other times, sex therapy or counseling may relieve a positional problem, fear, or some pattern of sexual technique (such as insufficient foreplay to encourage vaginal lubrication before penetration).

Q. I found out recently that my husband looks at pornography online. I'm frustrated, hurt, and betrayed. Plus I'm wondering if that's the reason he doesn't want to have sex with me. When I confronted him, he became angry and told me that I think sex is the most important part of our relationship and I should "get over it." What should I do?

A. Regarding his pornography, it's important for you to know that it's not about you. Most men who habitually view pornography began in adolescence. They became aroused and masturbated, which created an addiction and established patterns that interfere with normal marital intimacy.

Self-stimulation requires no holding off until his wife's orgasm, or waiting for her to be "in the mood." The physiologic release of endorphins and epinephrine is a highly satisfying sensation, and easy to achieve through pornography and masturbation. Thus the addiction serves as a tranquilizer and as a psychological confirmation of masculine potency.

Look into getting a filter for your internet. Then move the computer into a high-traffic area, which will hold him accountable.

There are good books and resources that can help you understand this addiction and point the way to healing. Check out Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser or Don't Call It Love by Patrick Carnes. Or go to www.bethesdaworkshops.org, www.careforce.org/lifekeys, or www.xxxchurch.com.

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