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What a sinking feeling when "buts" enter positive conversations. "Thanks for cleaning the bathroom, but…"

"Great job with the kids, Hon, but…"

As Christian sex therapists, we hear a lot of these "buts" attached to comments about sex. Couples usually acknowledge that sex is a gift from God, yet they often add "buts" to their affirmation. Here are some of the most common reservations we hear, and ways we help couples make things better.

"When we make love, we both wonder why we don't do this more often, but our frequency averages about once a month. We don't seem to have the time or energy."

Inertia can destroy great lovemaking. Often, a sex life in motion stays in motion and gathers positive momentum; a sex life at rest stays stuck and falls from the forefront. Couples often want sex to happen "spontaneously," but they're too busy! Children, careers, church involvement, civic responsibilities, hobbies, and schooling all foil frequency and douse passion.

In a study of more than 2,000 Christian women, the number one sexual problem was not lack of desire, but fatigue. Most wives don't respond positively to the suggestion of lovemaking at 10:30 at night after a tiring day! Husbands, also weary from many demands, don't think about sex until bedtime.

While men are usually ready more quickly and more frequently, most women have a more receptive or responsive desire. They won't think of sex as often as a man, but if the thought or activity is initiated, they can enter in with enjoyment. If these differences in desire, along with the dampening effects of inertia and fatigue, are not understood, husbands and wives can feel frustrated, pressured, hurt, and bitter.

Solutions:

1. List your optimal times for lovemaking and plan definite times for connection. Create spontaneity and variety within these time parameters.
2. List your most common sexual saboteurs. How will you counter them? Need more energy? A strategic nap? A lock on the bedroom door? An enforced bedtime for the children? (Or for you?
3. If you are the partner with a lower desire, become more intentional. Many women have found help by writing "TS" ("Think Sex") on their calendar.

"Sex is supposed to be great, but I could go the rest of my life and not miss lovemaking. I don't understand all the hype."

Lack of enjoyment of sexual intimacy stems from many sources. We remember the newlywed who said, "I went on my honeymoon expecting sex to be like a racecar, but I came home with a camel."

Unrealistic expectations wreak havoc on real, everyday sex. A man or a woman may not understand their own bodies and arousal, or their partner's. Many women are shocked and disappointed when an orgasm doesn't "just happen."

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