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Q. My husband sees nothing wrong with occasional pornography. While he's not addicted, he thinks it's okay to watch it as entertainment. I asked him how he'd feel if it were the other way around, if I were the one looking at porn. But he replies, "That would be okay." I'm not confident enough in my marriage to give an ultimatum, because he might call me on it. What should I do?

A. There are two issues at work here. The first is the pornography question. There's a potential for marital trust and bondedness to erode whenever images of other individuals are introduced for sexual entertainment or arousal. It's a slippery slope, and we've seen hundreds of men and women who've slipped into disaster beginning with the infrequent, "innocent" use of pornography. If you're genuinely concerned that he'd choose his occasional use over you, we think you need serious help with your relationship.

The second is how to deal with conflict in marriage. Being able to talk about your concerns and fear is important, but presenting those in an ultimatum is probably not the most effective way to say it. An ultimatum is a "control talk" style of communication that usually elicits a defensive response—an aggressive counterattack or a passive withdrawal. Neither leads to resolution and connectedness.

An alternative is to use "straight talk"—make statements about your feelings or desires only, not your spouse's behavior. Your husband needs to hear your fear and your feelings of inadequacy or rejection. It's important for him to understand your desire to feel treasured and cherished, which is certainly more important than pornography. Let him know you want to be his Playmate of the month, year, and lifetime, and that you want to pleasure him in real, flesh and blood ways!

For more help, check out www.enough.org, Enough Is Enough's website—an organization dedicated to fighting pornography.

Q. It seems as though the only time my husband initiates sex is in the morning. We both work, and between getting myself ready and getting our toddler ready for daycare, there just isn't extra time to accommodate his needs. And don't even suggest getting up earlier—we're already waking up at the crack of dawn! In the evening, once we put our son to bed, I'm more than willing, but alas, my hubby usually falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow. Help!

A. It seems most couples have some of the same problems. The one you're having is particularly troublesome since sexual intimacy is such an important aspect of oneness. Melissa and I have shared your distress through the years. Like you, I'm more of a night person, so suggesting getting up early never crossed my mind. Melissa, like your husband, turns into a pumpkin at sunset and has a hard time being romantic just when I'm becoming alert. For us, the help has come from three sources: communication, compromise, and creative scheduling.

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