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Recently, my wife, Melissa, and I were going through our wedding album. As we sat in front of the fireplace and looked at the photos of ourselves as 23-year-olds, we caught our breath.

Who are those kids? we wondered. And what on earth were they doing?

We spent the next hour going through the wedding photos with lots of laughs and pleasant memories. When we were done, we felt glad that after 41 years we're still together to share such a moment. We're keenly aware of how unusual that's getting to be.

Melissa and I work with couples, many of whom have trouble remembering what brought them together and what happened to their joy. How did the magic go out of the romance?

If you stop to think about it (which most couples don't), it's not surprising that newlyweds begin to drift apart. Throughout life, we move through phases. These phases call for continual reassessment and renegotiating to the marriage "contract" we made when we first got married.

One of the most common issues that slowly erodes our marital foundation is the inevitable change that accompanies aging. I'd say "maturing," but that's optional. Aging isn't. When most couples exchange their vows, that commitment to being married with all the rights and privileges are foremost in their minds. They've had some form of courtship, are seeing what they want to see in each other, and truly expect to live happily ever after.

But after the honeymoon bliss, a marriage begins to move through the following phases:

The establishment phase. This is when couples focus on what will make them competent members of the culture, such as proving themselves in a chosen career, setting up a house, or beginning the lifelong job of parenting. While these are worthwhile pursuits, they can be barriers to intimacy, causing couples to disengage from each other.

The midlife phase. Once couples have worked their way through establishment, they hit that dreaded midlife crisis. It isn't always a "crisis," but it does hold some emotional and physical transitions, such as recognizing time is moving swiftly and our bodies are changing. Wrinkles appear and hair disappears—except in places where you never wanted it. Uninvited pounds and inches crash the party, and you find yourself getting tired more easily. And you might even start thinking about the possibility of death. Next thing you know, you're dealing with an empty nest and caring for aging parents. All those things can force couples to relate to each other more intensely, only to discover they hardly know this stranger at their dinner table.

During this midlife phase a strange thing happens to men. They begin to realize they need something other than financial success to complete their deepest longings. Unfortunately, these men have been so busy with their careers that their wives have often completely emotionally disconnected from them. So it's not uncommon for them to look for closeness with some other woman. Then it's a midlife crisis!

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