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Q. When my husband and I have sex, he won't caress or kiss me. He just wants to do the act. When I ask him for some affection, he gets angry and says I shouldn't tell him what to do. I've tried to let it go, but I really crave his touch! Why is it so difficult for him to be affectionate during sex?

A. Most guys like to think of themselves as strong, capable, and reasonably bright. One factor in our growth as men is developing wisdom to go with our strength. And one area where that factor is important is in our sexuality. We have a lot riding on our ability to make a conquest, a drive fueled by our testosterone. Once our arousal gets in gear, the blood drains out of our brain and wisdom can get bypassed.

Many times men don't understand that by investing in foreplay and being affectionate with our wives, we reap huge dividends not only sexually but relationally. This seems to be the case with your husband.

We recommend having a serious discussion with him to help him understand your desires. Find a good time and set the stage for your husband's most receptive mood. Let him know you're struggling with something and need his help. Explain your frustration only in terms of your feelings, not his behavior. Resist the temptation to accuse him in any way, which will only shut down his receptivity toward your feelings. Stick to discussing your desire for sexual fulfillment and the fact that he's the man you want.

Q. I'm a Christian. However, my pre-Christian experiences left me with an incurable std that isn't deadly, but nonetheless is something with which my wife and I now have to live. We've been using a sex toy to avoid reinfecting each other. Are we sinning by using a sexual aid?

A. In marriage a couple may do anything in their sexual play that meets three specific criteria: (1) it's agreeable to both parties; (2) it's not harmful to either person; (3) it doesn't always take the place of genital union. The use of sexual "toys" doesn't necessarily violate those guidelines. As far as we can tell, sexual toys aren't "sinful" used by a husband and wife in agreement.

There is, however, one potential problem with sexual toys. Our sexual expression is most healthy when it's enjoyed relationally. Outside of the intimate love relationship, sex can become a mechanical release of tension and mostly self-focused. The reliance on "toys" to enhance your orgasmic response can develop into a lower tolerance. In other words, the more you use them, the more stimulation you need for a satisfactory release. That pattern can become destructive to the marriage, and with some "toys," it may even be physically harmful.

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