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Q. Sometimes when I look at a woman I become aroused. I'm happily married and don't intentionally set out to get turned on, it just seems to happen! Is that wrong? How long is too long to look at a woman—especially if it's at the movies or on television? I know the Bible talks about lusting in your heart, but that leaves a lot of gray area.

A. Yes, it's certainly a normal male physiological response to become aroused seeing an attractive woman. Short of having some serious, disfiguring surgery, that tendency may remain into old age. But here's the real issue you've identified: What does a guy do in response to that arousal? As we see it there's a continuum of acts that might begin on the most aggressive end of the spectrum with a sexual assault of some kind. Moving down the spectrum would include fantasizing about that female or women in general leading to self stimulation. Further down the continuum would be to transfer the arousal to your relationship with your mate. All of these entail dwelling on the stimulating image, allowing the arousal to be a focus in your mind. That's where the "lusting" process begins.

A significant change on this spectrum is when you come to the point where you acknowledge, "Wow, didn't God do well when he designed women?" then remember your spouse is God's gift to you and look away. That may include changing channels or walking away. Most spouses understand our male wiring and aren't too threatened by this last response. On the other hand, most wives resent their mate's captivation with any other form.

Q. My husband and I were both virgins when we married. I was told sex for the first time would be painful, and it was—and still is. I've consulted my gynecologist who suggested going slower and trying a lubricant. We did, and it worked—but I felt no pleasure. Now when we make love, I just lie there and let him have his fun while I'm either in pain or not feeling any enjoyment. Can you help us?

A. It's sad you were taught sex was going to be painful. It doesn't invariably cause pain, and what discomfort you felt can easily be overcome. Proper lubrication and a slow, relaxed time of foreplay can usually lead to a pleasurable experience. The most regrettable factor is that experiencing pain in any activity, including sexual intercourse, creates anxiety about the possibility of having pain again. That fear becomes a barrier to arousal.

It's possible, however, for you to overcome that barrier and develop a mutually enjoyable relationship. The first step is to talk about your sexuality together. What were your expectations and early life experiences? What are the physical stimuli that have been pleasurable? Are there specific situations that trigger a shutdown? What situations are most romantic to you as a couple? These beliefs and desires form the foundation of sexual intimacy. That's the first step. Get to know each other. If you discover guilt or resentment about your lack of sexual intimacy, bring grace and forgiveness to each other.

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