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Q. I've been married now for two years, and I absolutely hate sex. It seems my mind and body are totally disconnected because sometimes my body shows signs of arousal but my mind doesn't follow. I'm so much more comfortable with friendship love than sexual love, but I know that sexual love is essential to a healthy marriage. How can I get my mind and body in sync?

A. If your body can get sexually aroused, your mind can come around. When it does, your sexual relationship will contribute much more to your overall marital oneness. The fact that you occasionally sense physical arousal indicates that your physiologic response is intact.

Our advice about your "thinking" problem is that you explore the background of your attitudes. There are many developmental byways that can create roadblocks to sexual pleasure. Probably the most common is a negative attitude about sexuality in your family of origin. Mothers who have had unpleasant experiences with sex teach their daughters that sex is a necessary evil or an unpleasant duty that women must endure.

A slightly different dynamic that is well intentioned but can engender resistances to sexual fulfillment is a message of caution and restraint. This may help a girl keep herself pure before marriage (which we highly recommend), but if the prohibition isn't removed it can easily carry over into marriage. "Good girls don't enjoy sex" is a powerful message.

More destructive and regrettably common is a history of sexual abuse. The memories of that trauma are often repressed and unconscious, but have lasting impact on the emotional response to sexually intimate situations. Avoidance of the emotional pain that's been repressed requires mental resistance that effectively shuts down motivation for sexual intimacy.

We'd recommend counseling to explore these factors that can create the disconnect you're experiencing. There is also the possibility that the problem is related to relational or sexual technique in your marriage. These, too, should be identifiable in counseling. The effort necessary to pursue the solution can be richly rewarded as your mind and body become integrated.

Q. My husband of sixteen years recently confessed he had a homosexual encounter with a stranger he met at the YMCA sauna. I was shocked and devastated. He says he loves me and still finds me sexually attractive but also feels attracted to muscular, confident men with cute faces (qualities he feels he lacks). He has been in weekly counseling and wants to stay faithful, but I still feel so insecure and betrayed. Is there any hope for us?

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