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Q. My husband and I have been married for twenty-four years. We are both Christians. We have a great sex life as well as a good relationship outside the bedroom. He enjoys talking to me during sex, and it is what he talks about that concerns me. He talks as if other people are doing things to us. He once told me he would never actually do these things, i.e., bring in other people for group sex, but he enjoys fantasizing with me about it. I don't know how to talk with him about this. What should I do?

A. Congratulations on being in your twenty-fifth year of a healthy marriage! You should celebrate your remarkable success.

Now, about your husband's sex talk. Not knowing all the details, we may not address your concerns correctly, but we'll try.

First some remarks about the "talk." Although sex play is primarily visual and tactile, for some people vocalizing can be a stimulating part of the interaction. This may relate to how sexuality was learned. Boys often hear about sex from other boys during adolescence. The language used is not very sophisticated. Consequently the vulgar vocabulary of middle school locker rooms provides the foundational building blocks of sexual arousal and enjoyment. The images and ideas that contribute to those early fantasies are often laced with all manner of un-Christian components. You may have already had conversations about this with your husband, but if not it might be helpful for you to ask what it means to him.

Our second issue is what his desires or expectations include. Does he want you to enter into his fantasy exploits verbally or just be aroused by his words? He may get his stimulation just through talking. For some individuals saying words or describing sexual activities is quite exciting and essential to sexual fulfillment. Hearing some specific verbal response may not be necessary. It sounds like you'd like to know how he wants you to talk with him about it.

Third, there's the issue of how this preference of his impacts you. We assume that since you describe a healthy relationship (sexually and otherwise) that this behavior hasn't created serious barriers for your sexual enjoyment. If that assumption is wrong, then it would be important for you to explore with your husband the feelings you get and how they affect your sexual enjoyment.

Finally, there is one spiritual concern. If these fantasies involve specific people, they may raise the issue of sexual boundaries and an adulterous thought life. Although it's probably impossible never to think sexually about someone other than your mate, neither is it healthy to nurture those images. They can contribute to lowering the resistance to infidelity. Of course, if your husband continues to show actual interest in pursuing group sex, you need to address that right away. Introducing others into the marriage bed would damage your marriage in immeasurable ways. We'd hate to see anything interfere with your quarter century of marital success!

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