Home > Marriage > Real Sex > He Never Wants Sex!
He Never Wants Sex!
Louis and Melissa McBurney | posted 9/30/2008 03:59PM
 1 of 4
Q. I am coming to you completely desperate for answers. My 29-year-old husband and I (I'm 22) have been married almost a year and a half and have had sex maybe twenty times. I have tried to find information on why this is, but all I find is information on lack of female sex drive. My case is exactly the opposite. My husband never wants sex. I waited to be intimate with anyone until my husband, but he didn't. He doesn't understand the importance of this intimacy to me or how it affects every other aspect of our marriage. I am miserable and frustrated most of the time. I feel completely unattractive and disgusting, despite his constantly letting me know that it's not me and that he is very attracted to me. His actions certainly show differently. Please help me.
A. Louis: Yours is an unusual, but not unheard-of situation. We occasionally counsel couples whose pattern is like yours. There are some men who have lower libido and a once-a-month pattern for intercourse seems to satisfy their needs.
There are two considerations that are important, however—things your husband needs to consider. The most important is your sexual desire and the frustration you're experiencing. It is healthier for you to have both the release of an orgasm and to enjoy a sense of intimacy. This is true physically and relationally, and he should be providing that for you. It sounds like you've tried to communicate clearly about your feelings, but you might explore with him what his feelings are in response to your frustration. Often men feel threatened by any suggestion of their mate's dissatisfaction.
That brings up the second issue for consideration: his sexual interest and libido. There are many possibilities for his lower drive and for most males they are scary to look at. Denial is usually the first line of defense. It just doesn't feel right to a man to admit he may not be sexually adequate to meet his wife's needs. We all like to think of ourselves as real studs (whatever that means).
If he were willing to talk openly with you that would be a place to start. You can talk about your sexual histories. What were the attitudes in his family of origin? Was he sexually abused? What is his experience with masturbation? How has pornography impacted him? What premarital experiences did he have? There are many life events that can affect a man's sexual drive through guilt or anxiety. He may even have low testosterone level, which a medical evaluation would reveal.
If he's unwilling to discuss these issues with you, perhaps he has a male friend he'd risk it with. Ultimately it would be helpful for you to go together to a competent counselor. One way or the other, do something to move the situation forward. The status quo seems to be creating too much tension for you.
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