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How much is enough sex?

The answer is different for every individual, so it's no wonder that nearly every two people find they have some difference of opinion when it comes to the frequency of intercourse.

Of all the areas of tension in marital sexuality, this difference in desired frequency is the most troublesome. It's simply not an easily compromised issue.

One reason for the tension is that sex is exclusive and mutual. Sexual frequency is a two-person decision. Usually men have the higher libidinous drive (because of the colossal impact of testosterone), but certainly not always. Whichever spouse has the higher desire feels the most frustration. And the difference is not something that could be anticipated from your dating days. In the excitement and romance of courtship, both partners show an intense need for physical affection. Both partners seem motivated to express their love sexually, whether or not they waited for marriage for intercourse.

Another reason for tension is that our sense of adequacy is connected with sexual performance. When a wife turns down a husband, for whatever reason, the husband tends to interpret her refusal as a rejection of his manhood. When a husband pushes for more frequent sex, a wife might wonder what's wrong with her femininity if she doesn't desire intercourse. The frequency question gets loaded. It's no longer just a matter of negotiating a satisfactory compromise because each partner's self-acceptance hangs in the balance.

Finally, tensions creep in because there are so many symbolic messages included in the sex relationship. Marital sex can hardly avoid being an expression of emotions such as anger, guilt, fear, shame, jealousy, desire for control.

Anger can often affect a woman's responsivity more intensely than it does a man's. Perhaps this phenomenon stems from the physical expression of intercourse: a woman must open herself to being penetrated. That requires a willing vulnerability—hard to achieve when she feels angry or hurt. For a man, sexual activity could be an aggressive (even angry) act or can simply override the emotion of conflict. In other words, a husband can pursue sexual intimacy even if the couple has recently been fighting.

Guilt also gets in the way of frequency. For instance, guilt over premarital sex may create barriers to enjoyment later on. Any perceived sexual sin could cause a person to feel unworthy of sexual pleasure. Fortunately, confession and forgiveness bring cleansing from real guilt. And false guilt, like the shame a person who has been abused may feel, can be identified and overcome, usually with counseling.

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