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Will Romance Ruin Our Friendship?
Q I think I'm falling in love with one of my best friends. We've been friends for a while and we do a lot of stuff together. Lately, though, my feelings have changed, and I think of him in a more romantic way. I want to find out how he feels without messing up our friendship. I'm afraid that if I don't say something soon, he'll meet someone else and I'll never have a chance. Yet if I say something, it might mess up our awesome friendship. What should I do?

A Say something. You can't capture friendship in a glass jar and preserve it. Friendships change. You move to new phases in the relationship. If a friendship is going to endure, it's essential for the people involved to adjust to new realities. And the fact that your feelings have changed is a new reality. Whether you like it or not, you have to face it.

I wouldn't worry a whole lot about what you're going to say. Just be honest with your friend and be ready for him to respond. He might be surprised, he might be relieved, or he might be uncomfortable. But you owe it to both of you to talk about what's on your mind and work it out together.

Your conversation might be great. It might be awkward. There's only one way to find out: Talk. Real friends can talk about everything, even when it's difficult.

Is It OK to Date a Non-Christian?
Q I have always told myself I would never date a non-Christian, but lately I've been wondering if it's all right. There's a guy at school who is a wonderful person and honestly one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. He has high standards like I do, and accepts what I believe, but I don't think he's a Christian. Still, I can't help but like him—he's such a great person! I've been praying about this a lot and have asked Christian friends for advice, but I'm still not sure what's right. The Bible says we aren't to be yoked to unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14), which I've been taught is a reason not to marry a non-Christian. But the Bible isn't very clear about dating. These feelings just won't go away, and I don't know what to do.

A My advice is, stay where you are. You feel uncomfortable now, but not nearly as uncomfortable as you would if you fell in love with someone who didn't share your beliefs. Then you'd feel like you were being pulled in two directions—one part pulled toward God, another part pulled toward a person you didn't think you could live without.

You're right that the Bible isn't clear on dating non-Christians. Besides, "dating" means different things to different people in different situations. Sometimes there's no emotion involved—it's just a friendly way to go to a dance or to a movie. However, I think most people will admit that in the back of their minds, they think about the possibility of getting romantically involved with the people they date.

That's why it's simpler and much less heartbreaking to avoid dating people who aren't Christians. It's so easy to fall in love, even when you aren't intending to! Once you're seriously involved, it's terribly painful and confusing to both parties for the Christian to make a choice between God and this powerful feeling of love. I'd advise you to stick to dating those who share your beliefs.

That certainly doesn't mean you can't befriend this wonderful guy! In fact, I hope you invite him to go to church or youth group with you. Talk to him about your faith. Ask him if he's interested in learning about Jesus. You could help this great guy become a follower of Jesus.

How Far is Too Far?
Q I've recently taken the vow to abstain from sex until marriage. I was not a virgin when I took this vow, so I know what it's like to have sex. I think that makes it tougher for me to abstain, compared to someone who is a virgin. My question is, how far is too far? Is kissing and hugging basically all that you can do? Don't misunderstand me—I want to do what's right. I am trying to start my life over, and I don't want to mess up again. Do you have any advice for me?

A Thank you for writing. It's exciting to hear from someone whose life has been turned around. You're right, it's going to be more difficult for you to abstain from sex, since you've been sexually active in the past. That's all the more reason for you to have a clear sense of where to draw the line for physical behavior.

The Bible doesn't give any direct guidance in this area. It tells us to flee from sexual immorality, but it doesn't tell us exactly where OK behavior stops and immorality starts. And it makes sense that the Bible wouldn't completely answer that question, because people in the ancient world never would have asked it. People in those times were more straightforward with sex. They either did it or they didn't. They didn't play games.

I think you need to make up your mind. Since you've decided sex should wait for marriage, take that stand wholeheartedly. Don't torture yourself by working your way closer and closer to sex and then stopping at the very brink. What would you gain? If you want to wait for marriage, your best bet is to limit yourself to brief kissing, holding hands and hugging. Those are wonderful ways to express love, and they leave lots of time and energy for growing closer to each other in mind and spirit. That kind of relationship can be completely right, and it leaves no regrets.

I Fantasize about Sex
Q I know that lust is a sin, but is it lust when I think about being married and then having sex? I think a lot about how I want my sex life to be when I am married, and how I want my honeymoon to be, in great detail. Is that wrong?

A It's not wrong to think about your honeymoon. In fact, I can't imagine anyone not thinking about it to some degree. Sex is a wonderful joy and privilege, and it's legitimate to anticipate it as part of a happy marriage, just as you might anticipate Christmas morning or graduation day.

But something else in your letter concerns me. You seem to be spending a lot of time daydreaming and fantasizing. This might be unwise. There are some questions I'd like to ask you. Is your everyday life interesting enough to keep you focused on the here and now? Are you leading a balanced life? Do you have friends you enjoy? Are you physically and mentally active?

I'm not saying you can never think about married life. In fact, it would probably be impossible to drive the subject completely out of your mind. It's very hard to control your thoughts by just pushing them away. It works better to fill your mind—and your life—with other things that help you feel good.

As you're increasing the number of positive images and influences in your life, you might need to work on decreasing the negative. You mention thinking about sex "in great detail," but you don't say where those details come from. If the books, music, movies, magazines, Web sites or friends you spend time with are giving you ideas about sexual activity, you need to cut them out of your life. There's no way you can stop fantasizing about sex if you're filling your mind with this kind of material.

Overall, your best bet is to give yourself less of a reason to daydream—and less to daydream about. Join a club, get involved in your church youth group, take time to really meditate on God's Word every day. And find a trusted friend who can listen to your feelings about relationships, God, marriage and life in general. Before long, you'll be having such a good time in the real world, you won't have much time to spend in a fantasy world.

I'm Addicted to Cyber Porn
Q I have a very serious problem. I've been praying and working at it for some time, but I keep falling. I'm really hooked on Internet pornography. The stuff's all over the Web, and it's really difficult for me not to look. I'm also struggling with masturbation. In the past few years, I've learned that masturbation and looking at pornography are sins. But it's really tough to stop these things. They're destroying my spiritual life. Please help me!

A You're in a terrible dilemma, and even if I told you that a lot of other people face the same problems, I know that doesn't make it any easier. Perhaps I can help, though.

Your involvement with pornography and masturbation means you're caught in a trap of warped sexuality. Pornography puts all kinds of awful ideas in people's brains, cheapening the value of other people. Masturbation is a poor substitute for God's gift of sex within marriage. Both disgrace the beauty and dignity of God's creation, snaring people in a jungle of secretive obsession. It's very difficult to break free, as you know.

I encourage you to make a clean break not just from pornography and masturbation, but from the Internet. Lots of people can enjoy the Internet and use it without being tempted by all the junk that's out there, but right now you can't. If you don't absolutely need to be on the Net for your work or your studies, stay off it. You'll find it much easier to resist temptation if you don't go near it. If you have to be online, make sure you only use computers that are out in the open (like at school or in your living room), or ask a friend you trust to sit in the same room with you. Accountability can be a big help.

That's why I'd also advise you to get involved in an accountability group. Sin thrives in secret. You need someone, or a small group of someones, who will meet with you daily or weekly for frank confession, encouragement and prayer. It will take a load off your mind. It will help you start to put your life back on the right path.

I want you to feel hopeful about your future. This tangle of sick sexuality is distracting you from the wonderful things God intends you to experience, but you can escape. With the help of other Christians, I know you can break free from pornography and masturbation. You can move toward thinking of sexuality the way God intended—as a wonderful gift, rather than a trap.

A Man at Church Scares Me
Q I went to youth camp a couple of weeks ago, and one of the men who went with our church as a chaperone really freaked me out. My friend and I both felt like he was undressing us with his eyes. The way he looked at me really bothered me. I see him every time I go to church, and he makes me really uncomfortable. What am I supposed to do?

A Talk privately to your parents and your youth director or pastor. Take this column with you to emphasize your point. Those who are responsible for your safety and spiritual growth need to be aware of how you feel. Even if nothing overtly "wrong" has happened, your church needs to exercise great care. Not just your well-being, but the well-being of others is at stake. I know it's hard to talk to anyone about this, but it's important for you to do so. If you don't tell the leaders what's going on, they might not find out until someone really does get hurt.

When you've talked to some adults you trust, it becomes their responsibility to look into the matter and do something about it. Your responsibility is to stay out of any situation where you might be alone with the man who makes you uncomfortable. It's not your responsibility to tell all your friends about this man or do anything that would make people suspect him unfairly. As long as you tell some adults about your concerns and then stay out of uncomfortable situations, you'll be doing the right thing.

Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail clmag@CampusLife.net.
July/August 1999, Vol. 58, No. 1, Page 50

Read more from 'Love, Sex & Dating'

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