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I Don't Want to Hurt His Feelings Q There's a guy named John at my school who acts like he likes me, but I don't like him back. He hangs around with me as much as he can, and I try to tolerate it because he doesn't have many friends. I don't try to lead him on in any way, but I'm nice to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just don't want him to start thinking I like him. Should I tell him I'm not interested in him or just leave things the way they are?

A Until there's a question, you really don't need to give John an answer.

What I mean is, don't cause a problem if there isn't one. I'd caution you not to assume too much about what John's thinking. He might dream that you'll become his girlfriend, but he might just crave friendship. John may not even really know what he wants from you. Whatever he's thinking, there's nothing wrong with being his friend if you can be clear that's all you're interested in.

And you can let him know where you stand without telling him to get lost. For example, if John is hanging around when you want to spend time with another friend, you should tell him that. Say something like, "I need some time to be just with Susan right now, OK?" If he's dominating your time, you should nicely let him know: "If you always sit next to me, I don't get to talk to other people, John—and neither do you." If he makes romantic moves, you need to tell him calmly and clearly, "I appreciate that you like me, John, but I just don't feel that way about you. I want us to remain friends, but I'm not interested in taking our relationship beyond that."

You might be more comfortable if John weren't in your life at all, but who says God wants you to be comfortable? Befriending the lonely is one of God's commands to us (see Luke 14:13-14). If you keep your boundaries clear, and make sure you speak up if John steps over the line, you'll have a chance to contribute to his life. He might even contribute to yours. Somewhere inside that lonely guy, there might be a terrific friend.

He Doesn't Always Act Like a Christian Q There's this guy I really like. He's been coming to my church for the past few months and we attend the same high school. He's two years older than I am, but we've become close friends. He's a member of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and he's even persuaded me to join. My parents think he's responsible, and they trust me to be with him. But even though he acts like a strong Christian on Sundays and when he's around me, he acts differently around his friends. He's pretty popular, so he goes to a lot of parties where people drink beer. He's also a flirt and a bit of a ladies' man. He gets involved in things I wouldn't do. I really like him, though, and he's never done anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I just don't know what to do if he wants to get more serious. Should I let our relationship continue to grow, or should we just stay friends?

A I want to congratulate you on thinking about this now, when it's still fairly theoretical. Lots of people wait until they're deep into a relationship to ask the kind of questions you're asking. But at that point, they really can't think clearly.

Your letter doesn't spell out any details, so I'm not sure just how "un-Christianly" your friend has behaved. Going to parties and being known as a "ladies' man" don't necessarily add up to sin. Maybe he's going to parties to be with his friends, but he has strong enough convictions to resist the temptation to drink. And maybe he's dated a lot of girls but stayed sexually pure. Then again, maybe not. The question is, do you want to get serious with someone who is leading a "double life"?

If he really has compromised his faith and is inconsistent in his actions, the answer should be clear: No. But if you're basing your feelings about him on second-hand accounts and school rumors, you might be misjudging him. You need to find out if he's really living two lives or if he's just the subject of gossip.

I doubt if you can answer that question unless you talk to him directly. If you have a real friendship—and it sounds like you do—I'd encourage you to have an honest talk. Forget about "getting serious" romantically. That's not the big issue; his faith is. Tell him about the rumors you've heard. Tell him these stories concern you. Ask him if he's serious about his faith. If you find out the rumors are true, let him know you'd like to stay friends, but you can't make your relationship more than that unless he changes his ways. If his reputation is based on gossip, then keep building on the strong friendship you've started and see where it leads.

Is It OK to "Mess Around"? Q My friends and I are all strong Christians. Sometimes we discuss the big sex-before-marriage thing, and we all agree it's a sin, although it can be forgiven. But what about all the other things you do before sex, like messing around? One of my friends said one of her teachers, who is a Christian, told her it was all right, even good, to experiment like that. Then our Bible study leader said the Bible states it's clearly a sin. Can you please give me a straight answer?

A OK, here it is straight: The Bible doesn't come right out and label messing around "sin." In the days when the Bible was written, unmarried men and women usually stayed away from each other. Since nobody went on dates or spent much time alone with the opposite sex, the issue didn't come up. I doubt the question would have even made sense to people in those times. Why would you go halfway to sex and then stop? What would be the point?

I think that's still the right question: What's the point of messing around? It only gets you worked up with physical longings you can't fulfill without having sex. So if you're committed to saving sex for marriage, messing around can only lead to frustration.

Though the Bible doesn't "clearly" address the issue of messing around, it is clear that sexual involvement is very serious stuff. It involves your spirit as well as your body. Sex is meant to be enjoyed as part of marriage. And when a couple saves all their intimate expressions of love and commitment for marriage, they experience the thrill of sex with God's full blessing. Why would you want to "mess around" with that?

Your friend's teacher is wrong about experimentation. What I usually see resulting from experimenting with messing around is guilt, broken-down relationships, and couples who keep pushing the limit until they go all the way.

There's another good reason to stay away from messing around, and that's your reputation. There's a great Bible verse that says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality" (Ephesians 5:3). If people know you're a Christian, but they also know you mess around, how will they know what makes you different? How will they see that you want to honor God by saving sex for marriage? There are plenty of young men and women who are technically virgins, but who are known as "easy" or "loose" when it comes to messing around. They've been labeled with a rep that certainly doesn't fit with the label "Christian."

My advice is that couples limit their physical activity to brief kissing and hand-holding, and spend their extra time talking together, having fun, and serving others.

I've Committed a Terrible Sin Q I am very scared. I have always been a Christian, and I try very hard to live like one. But I have committed a terrible sin. I'm a guy, and I had sex with another guy. I feel so guilty and empty. I don't know what to do! I pray every night asking for forgiveness, but it's hard for me to forgive myself. I'm afraid to tell anyone because they might think badly of me. Please help me.

A You need somebody to talk to. I know that's frightening, but how could it be worse than living with this fear and guilt? And while it's true some people are terribly frightened by homosexuality, others understand it's just one kind of sin—and that we are all sinners. Please pray that God will show you someone who will be understanding and can offer wise, Christian counsel. You very much need somebody who will stand by your side as you seek healing and forgiveness.

Who can you turn to? I'd try a pastor or a Christian counselor. Most pastors are very familiar with the trouble people can get themselves into. It's usually hard to shock a pastor. A pastor is well-equipped to help you see that if you're sorry for what you've done, God forgives you. I know you don't feel forgiven, but hearing it from a pastor could help the truth sink in.

Christian counselors are even harder to shock. A Christian counselor can help you work through some of the deeper issues involved in your sexual identity. Of course, you might not have any deeper issues. One act doesn't make an identity! You might be able to leave this incident in the past and move on. But it sounds like you'd like some help dealing with your guilt and fear. And if you're struggling with homosexual feelings on a regular basis, a Christian counselor can help you figure out the complexities of sexuality. I want to encourage you to seek Christian counseling in particular, because many non-Christian counselors approach sexual matters with a very different set of values.

I know a very fine Christian organization that was started by Christians who have struggled with homosexuality. If you can't find a pastor or Christian counselor to talk to, this organization can refer you to Christian groups in your area and provide some excellent literature that might offer help. Write to: Exodus International at P.O. Box 77652, Seattle, WA 98177 or call them at (206) 784-7799.

Please remember that God is in the business of forgiving sins—all sins. If you have asked for his forgiveness, he has given it to you (1 John 1:9). You can count on that.

Copyright © 1998 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail clmag@CampusLife.net.
November/December 1998, Vol. 57, No. 4, Page 64

Read more from 'Love, Sex & Dating'

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